Monday, November 30, 2009

Day 2 continued...

9 10 11 ???  Cigarettes a day

Oh what a day today was. [AUTHOR EDIT] This alone makes me want to smoke that whole entire pack of cigarettes sitting on my coffee table. But I must resist.

I did pretty good today, however. I lost track of how many cigarettes I actually smoked, but I know that it was less then my normal amount. [AUTHOR EDIT] So, that pissed me off and when I get pissed, I smoke...ALOT.

There is nothing that the cigarettes do to make me feel better, except for maybe a teeny tiny jolt of euphroia that lasts only moments. Whenever I feel that pang of anxiety smack dab in the middle of my chest, my first instinct is to puff one down. But after, I feel exactly the same. So why do I continue to kill myself slowly? Maybe it gives my hands something to do when I'm bored or restlesss. Maybe it makes me feel better about myself. Maybe it makes me look cool? I don't know but the buck stops here. I have to be able to deal with my problems, worries, anxiety issues, etc. by myself, without the help of poison. Dear God, please give me the strength to fight this.

Have that meeting tomorrow morning. Oh boy, can you feel the excitement? Me either. I might not be able to stick to my plan to quit, or can I?

Day 2

9 cigarettes a day

An early morning hello to any of my readers out there! Stressed, worried and anxious this morning, had to have the best cigarette of the day; the first one. This one is the best because the nicotine gives me a rush and helps ease the stress and worry of the coming day. Still coughing and have recently started gagging when I smoke, maybe a sign? Work changed my schedule and seemed to have forgotten that I have a test in class tonight. I have a feeling I will be missing it. I'm not ready for the test, I haven't been to class (a whole story in itself) and I haven't studied. But I feel that I should at least attempt to take the test. I will have to call my prof and try to reschedule it.  Have a lot of stuff to worry about this week, meetings with choice people I don't want to meet with, finding important documents I lost, and figuring out what my next step is (I will be moving to Denver soon), hopefully I will stay strong and follow my plan of action for quitting. Just because I am experiencing emotional overload doesn't mean I shouldn't have to stick to my goal of being tobacco free. So, I'm allowing myself 9 cigarettes today, which should be pretty easy since I am working all day. Well, time to walk and feed the dog and enjoy a nice cup of coffee, my other addiction. Coffeecoffeecoffee!